Closing the Great Divide
There she was. A young girl in a room of women, from new wives and mothers to grandmothers, all busy at work. She was a girl with eyes and ears wide open. It was during these times sitting virtually unnoticed under a beautiful work of art (until something was dropped and she'd be asked to retrieve it) that she learned about life. As the women worked on their quilting project together they shared their stories, experiences, and advice to one another and all the while she was learning what it meant to be a wife, a mother, a grandmother, and a lady in society.
In times past, like in this story, children often found themselves in the company of adults just like little flies on the wall soaking it all in. It was in settings like these that they would learn about the stuff of life from pure observation and exposure. Today, we've become a lot more segregated resulting in children missing out on a vital part of their growth and education.
I remember a long commute my family underwent back and forth from our home to the city each day growing up. During those car rides we children didn't have much to do but listen to mom and dad talk. Though we didn't understand all that was discussed, we did pick up valuable lessons about business, adult relationships, and how to deal with struggles, disappointments, trials, and triumphs. And occasionally, they would ask us what we thought. It was a great learning experience.
In general I think we underestimate what children can understand or what they may be interested in so we send them to the kiddy area. They sit at the "children's table" while we continue with adult conversations at the "adult table." Or we provide them with constant entertainment and stimulation away from us through technology. This mental and emotional separation results in a great disconnect in which we soon find that we don't understand our children at all and neither do they understand us.
Now I'm not pointing fingers or suggesting that we can never do things apart as adults and children, only that we should be thinking of ways we can be building better and stronger connections across the generations.
We can also do ourselves a disservice by only hanging out with our peers. We think that because older women grew up in another time that they don't understand what we're going through as "women of today." While customs and expectations for women may have changed a lot, especially over the last 100 years, many issues women have dealt with over the span of history until today are fundamentally the same. We still desire to be loved, understood, respected and appreciated. We want a thriving life, a good marriage, and a healthy family. Talking about these things with an older woman can provide a wealth of insights and encouragement.
>>SO LET'S BRIDGE THE GAP! <<
Don't Withhold
As the Older Woman, Seek Out and Engage Younger Women & Children
1. Provide opportunities for children and younger women that you know to engage with you and older women. This creates learning opportunities for them and fresh inspiration for you! You can use...
The Tag-Along Method: Growing up it was clear to my siblings and I that life wasn't all about us. We often found ourselves tagging along with our parents and participating in whatever they had going on. This provided for a wide variety of valuable experiences for us from business ventures to ministry and service opportunities. So don't be shy about taking your children or grandchildren with you to _________ (fill in the blank)!
The Projects Method: Children, as my older friend Marrie once told me over tea, "are the most untapped resource of endless energy." Put that energy to good use by involving them in your projects!
I can recall summers spent at my great-grandmother's house in south Georgia, and how she would involve my sister and I in her household projects like making fruit salad or recovering an old stool cushion. She actively included us while explaining the whats, whys and hows around what she was doing. Our energetic hands loved having something to do, and the newly acquired skills paired with a finished outcome made us feel accomplished!
The possibilities of this method are truly endless. So be creative, have fun, and remember that the way you present a project will affect its reception (think of Huckleberry Finn's power of persuasion).
The Dinner Club Method: Dinners together is one of the most underrated events of our time. Did you know? Children who participate regularly in family meal times:
-are less likely to engage in substance abuse
-are less likely to become depressed
-are more motivated to learn
-have healthier eating habits
-develop better social skills
-and have better development of linguistic and thinking skills
Source: Research on Family Meals by Martha Marino and Sue Butkus
Schedule regular meal times and think of good questions and discussion topics in advance. I heard of one family who assigned newspaper stories to each child to read and then share a summary of it with everyone at the table each evening. This provided interesting conversation and an awareness of current events.
You can also invite guests over for a casual dinner together to provide stimulating company and conversation for the whole family. Give your children a little bit of a background about your guest and encourage them to come up with a couple of questions they might ask.
2. Seize the Moment! There is no better time to teach a child than in the very moment an object lesson presents itself.
One time as a child I looked to see a woman that I thought was U-G-L-Y! (Children can be so cruel, can't they?). Much to the embarassment of my whole family who was with me, I loudly shared my disgust. It was in that moment that my older sister took me aside and made me realize that saying something like that where the woman could hear probably hurt her feelings. Hearing her explain this while the woman was still within sight made me feel very sorry for what I had done and compelled to appologize. These events created an emotional connection to the lesson of being aware that my words carry weight and have the power to affirm or hurt other people. I still remember the moment vividly today and have been more careful with my words ever since.
Maximize your effectiveness by seizing those kinds of moments and I guarantee you, a child won't soon forget it. As Zig Ziglar said, "If they hear it, they forget it. If they see it, they remember it. If they do it, they understand it."
Don't Withdraw
As the Younger Woman, Seek Out and Engage Older Women
1. Seek friendships with older women. This can be as easy as introducing yourself at church or work, engaging in small talk to start and then later becoming more intentional about spending time together. You might be surprised at how close you can become and how much you can enjoy each other's company.
There's a lady from my church that I've had the pleasure of visiting with several times. I may be simply dropping something off at her house but inevitably she invites me in for tea and lively conversation which is always a fun and enlightening.
2. Meet them on their terms. That may mean going to their home or wherever they're most comfortable and/or offering to help with a project.
3. Listen more, talk less. Think of issues or questions you'd like to discuss or ask in advance and then soak in all the goodness. Remember, you don't have to agree with everything to respect a perspective or gain value from experiences shared.
Remember to:
-Address them by their title and last name unless they ask you to do otherwise. Many older women today like to be called by their first names only. Do oblige them.
-Try to not finish their sentences. When you experience someone struggling, whether it be an older person or a peer who has a speech impediment, it can be easy to try and "help them along." In this case, let patience have her perfect work as it can be offensive.
Age differences should create no boundaries when it comes to friends and fellowship. Be an agent of closing the gap! It's story time! Tell me about a time you treasure with an older woman. I'd love to hear it!
Be bright and beautiful in word and deed,
