Hear What I Mean (Not What I Say)
My wide-eyed, newlywed heart often yearns to talk with someone who has more experience in matrimonial life (It helps to have someone say, "Oh hunny, that's normal."). I was recently talking with a dear, sweet friend of mine who has been married for years now. I've found that that while she has significantly more experience with marriage, we both still have questions and are continually learning about our men and what makes them tick.
Her husband recently made a snarky remark about how she spent so much time doing this thing or that thing. She was taken aback, and by his tone, slightly offended. Why should he care? And what's with the attitude?
It took her a moment, but she realized what the deal was. The reason it bothered him was because it took her away from spending time with him. Well, gee, why didn't he just say so? It would have been so much more effective, less-offensive, and heartwarming had he just said, "I miss you. Won't you come spend time with me?"
Sometimes people have a hard time putting into words what the heart issue really is. My friend was so wise to dig deeper and go past what her husband was saying to what he meant. I'd venture to say that in many cases we can't just take what people say at face value and expect to really understand the meaning behind the words.
Did you know that words make up only 7% of the message we send when we're communicating? 40% of communication is through our tone of voice and the other 53% is through our body language.
Understanding people and what they're not saying takes some major Nancy Drew skills like intuitive observation, the ability to make deductions, and the wisdom to put two and two together. To get to the heart of a message we have to take in the all-encompassing bigger picture which includes all the forms of communication and what we know of the person. We have to be actively looking at a person's body language, listening to their tone of voice, hearing their words, and connecting the dots.
Only God can see inside people's heads or know what all takes place in their hearts, so for us mere mortals to understand one another we have to try and make sense of the things we can observe.
So how can we make a better connection? Here are a few tips:
Eliminate Distractions and Barriers
Because most communication is done through body language, be sure to actually look at the person speaking and see what sort of messages you receive. Perhaps you ask, "How was your day?" And the response you receive is, "Fine." But then you notice slumped shoulders and eye-aversion... Clearly, things aren't fine.
Ask Questions
You can ask questions for information and clarification. Questions show genuine interest and concern. A good question to ask is simply, "Why?"
Think of the Big Picture
Oftentimes a snippy comment isn't brought on by just a one-time annoyance but something ongoing or having a deeper root. Try to think outside of the current situation to the bigger picture. Is there a history or anything that has led up to this?
Stop Focusing on Yourself
You will naturally make a better connection when you step outside of yourself and try to see where the other person is coming from. We should take into account that people have differing personalities, upbringing, and perspectives. Trying to place yourself in the other person's shoes will give you a better understanding of them and therefore help you to better tailor your communication for a maximized connection.
Listen and Repeat
When you repeat what someone says to you in your own words you are showing that you've been listening and that you understand what they mean. It also helps you to know if you're truly getting the message. You might say, "So what you're saying is..." Watch Your Language Stay away from accusatory wording that puts the other person on the defense. We want to build bridges, not walls.
Be Slow to Take Offense
As in the case of my friend, while her husband didn't communicate what he meant effectively, his desire wasn't a bad one. He simply wanted more time with his wife. She could have easily returned a sassy remark but instead stepped back a moment to consider what was really going on. You can see how a little grace goes a long way to preserving relationships.
Do you have any tips or stories related to miscommunication? How have you handled it? Share this week's Tweetable: "Ask questions for information and clarification. Questions show genuine interest and concern." -Abigail George
Be bright and beautiful in word and deed,
Abigail George
PS
Talk about miscommunication! ;-)
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